I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
