is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
