I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
