The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I looked at my own cervix.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
