The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
