there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
