shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
