I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
