The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
