Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
