So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm like, not good at living.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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