3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
