and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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