the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
