I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Randomize
