Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
