Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
