I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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