my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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