WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
