I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
