false alarm. still invincible.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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