Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
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