The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
