we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
