wrigley field is MILF paradise
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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