Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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