awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
