There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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