I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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