apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
