My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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