I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize