i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
