twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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