Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
