I'm jealous of your bromance
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Randomize
