You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
