explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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