Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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