there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
