her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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