Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
