She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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