and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
