Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
she was so not down for the gang bang
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize