Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
