You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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