I only kidnapped one of them. chill
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
