Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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