life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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