I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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