dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
porn star boner night. come get it.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
