Just cropdusted the office
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
