he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize