Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I fill condoms, not promises.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
