who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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