What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
