My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
