I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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