I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
