How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
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